The Big G Word

I'm going straight to the point and talking about my personal struggle with the G-O-D. I was raised lightly Catholic as a child. I was baptized as a baby, had my first communion, and was confirmed. Spoiler Alert! I don’t have a middle name people. My siblings don’t either, an Italian thing. When you're confirmed, you choose a Saint you identify with and take their name. I chose St. Julian. Julian was my grandmother's maiden name, and my sister had already taken her first name, Rose.

I went to a Catholic grade school and went to church every week and, of course, Easter and Christmas. I remember my mother not wanting to go as much after my grandmother Rose passed away from breast cancer in 1992. I wanted to type “lost her battle to breast cancer,” but that doesn't seem to resonate. She didn't lose anything. She was always very positive and never complained. It would be more fitting to say that she won her battle with breast cancer. She never let it take her good spirits. I love that. I used to play with her wig, false teeth, and her jelly-like insert…I felt like Cinderella with that wig on.

Death can bring up some strange feelings and the grieving process isn't a one-size-fits-all. The famous questions: Is there life after death? What happens when you die? What if I don't believe in God? Did it hurt? I am not about to tell you what to believe or that my beliefs are right. I’m not a preacher and even if I were, I still wouldn’t go there. Finding your belief system and/or spirituality is a personal journey. I can only share my experience and how I transformed my struggle with the word “God” and being a Medium.

You also don't have to believe in anything to experience the magic of a reading and connect with loved ones in the Spirit World. We work through it together because that's real life.

Growing up in a Catholic school, I really enjoyed church. I loved to sing, and I hated being in class. It was a win-win scenario.

Anxiety hit me every morning in high school. I didn't know back then that it was hard for me (energetically) to be in crowds. I turned to other things to get me by. That's a whole other blog post that I would love to share another time.

After getting by didn't serve me anymore, I looked for a deeper meaning to my life. I sought out Christianity next, as much as it pains me to say. I went to a huge church, raised my hands when I sang, because I freaking love to sing, and even got baptized a second time. I was about to be shipped off to the Army, and I wanted a little extra protection, just in case.

Upon my return from a short-lived army experience, I went back to that church, only it was different. My friends that I made there started speaking out about rights and wrongs, anti-gay disgustingness, and my closest friend/love interest turned out to be a man totally without integrity. That is the short version that ended in me never going back. It hurt me. I turned around thinking that if that's spirituality, I don't want anything to do with it.

I was introduced to a grey-haired woman named Rebecca a short time after that. She spent many years helping sort through family and spiritual mud. I learned so much from her, including lessons of Buddhism and Hinduism. I was comfortable with Buddha. I dabbled in meditation, retreats, and self-help books. Her door was always open, and I am so grateful for her coming into my life. I thought the Buddhist thing was great. Everyone who is buddhist is nice! Done, I'm a Buddhist. I went on my first silent retreat to find answers and make hard decisions. It was there that I realized I was angry about my spiritually. I had no clue that would surface. Surprise!

When my mediumship came into full swing, I had to rethink everything. I could barely use the word God or Angel. It felt like I was going against my people. You know “my people?" The people who are more evolved than religion, anti-gay, and protestors outside clinics.

I was suddenly immersed into a world where I couldn't wrap my head around what I was experiencing. This process of healing and understanding who I am as a medium, it's made me weep more than once. Feeling my soul for the first time...my words will never encompass the true emotion...but it felt like getting back everything I had ever lost. You can choose to call it whatever you want. God, universe, divine, she, he, power, soul, or choose to call it nothing. It took me a long time to feel comfortable expressing my very unique spirituality. It's perfect that way. I hope my journey shows that there isn't just one way to find yourself, and my work is to support you in yours.