Miracles…A Course in Miracles is a very old, studied book quite like the Bible. The most profound thing I learned from this book is that there are only two emotions. Love and fear. Every emotion stems from these two. Try to come up with an emotion that doesn't come from love or fear. You can’t. It also says that you can only think with love or fear and when you are thinking in fear, you are not thinking at all. This has brought me a lot of peace, and yet I still have fear.
I felt very drawn to write about fear this week. It has come up every day that fear needs to be talked about. I always write about magical, amazing experiences, which are real and very true to my life. So is fear. Paralyzing, ugly, ruin-my-day type fear. This will be the first of five posts dedicated to blasting through and honoring fears.
Tuesday morning after my weekly mentoring session with a client, I hopped in my car to drive to work. I came to my first stop sign a block away from my house, looked both ways, and crossed. After I crossed the intersection, I came to a halt. There was a car at a standstill in the middle of the road with engine off. I stopped behind it and yelled to two girls on the sidewalk. They yelled back that someone had been hit. I pulled over not knowing exactly what they meant by this. I got out of my car, looked over my left shoulder, and saw what had happened. A car had ran the stop sign and hit a pedestrian. I rummaged through my car for a towel with no luck. The two woman I mentioned before walked over to me and were spitting out details of the accident that had happened just moments before I got there. Then, they said the most fearful words, “You have to call 911.” I looked around and realized that everyone was in a bubble of shock. No one had been able to take action.
I called 911 and answered each question as best I could. Male, 50’s, head trauma, breathing, blood, I don't know how to rate how much blood he is losing, and please hurry. I walked calmly over to the man that had been hit. I told him I had called 911 and that they were on their way. Don’t worry. You will be okay.
I won't bore you with every detail that happened after that. The ambulance did come, and I still made it to work somewhat on time. I walked in and sat in our breakroom and cried. This had affected me, and I felt almost embarrassed that I was crying. I should've gone home. I was out of it and unable to think clearly. I even messed up a client's hair color formula. (Don't worry. I fixed it, and she still loves me.) My point is that I felt like I had no right to my feelings.
I had a similar feeling last month when my sweet client passed away. Since the day that I had met her, she had had cancer. Colette was the type of person that made me feel comfortable asking all about her cancer experiences, and she always had a good attitude.
The day came when hospice was called. I went to her house every couple of days to smooth out her full head of hair. The chemo she was on didn't make her lose her hair. While I was there, I would also give her a healing massage. I was scared she was going to pass while I was there.
A week after she passed, a card was hand delivered. It was from Colette. My eyes fill with tears thinking of it. To give me such a gift as that was truly beautiful. Enclosed was a gift card to one of her favorite restaurants, and I was instructed to go there in her honor and raise a toast to our friendship.
That same Tuesday, I asked my best friend Jessica to meet me for dinner. We sat at the bar of Seviche, and I told her what had happened that morning. I also told her about Colette and that the dinner was in her honor. Side note: Seviche has brought back their bre appetizer, which was a huge, glorious surprise.
I have had many more fears float to the surface since last Tuesday. The only way for me to let them go is to talk about them. I will expose my fears and conquer.